"An Open Letter to My Kidney Stones" by Julián Á.

Dear Kidney stones,

Howdy? How's everything going? It's been a while since the last time I knew about you three, little devils (fortunately.) I must confess I was expecting being able to talk to you personally, face to face -though after having given birth to you I'm sure I wouldn't have felt pretty talkative. And I must confess as well that there are many questions I've come up with -questions that might remain unanswered such as: what's your color?; who out of you three is the biggest?; or who would have come out first?

Anyway, no matter how emotive this makes me feel I'm the happiest man on Earth since you've been gone. No offense, but you little bastards made me go through hell the first time I felt you. I got to think it was constipation -and God, how I would have liked you to be so- or maybe just a stomach cramp. But no, it was you. How did you manage to get in there in the first place?! Did you get to know I became kind of a morphine-addict for one day because of you?! You should have taken a look at my face, I looked stoned -isn't it ironic? And speaking of which, you did not only mess up with my kidneys but also with my social life! I even got to be called "Julian Flinstone"! It was Stone Age down my urinary system! And people at work even started to make fun of me by saying they would write a list and collect money for the baby shower! Now I thank nature it made me a man more than ever. Plus, being groggy all the time is not something I'm thankful for -yet I was since the doctor prescribed me tons of shit for you three to disappear (whoops...)

And the worst part was The Fear. The fear I would feel every time I felt like peeing. I remember the days when I used to go to the Restroom and I would really rest -good times. But with you around -inside, actually- it was a horrible experience to think my weenie would get torn up from the inside and that I would finally hear the "clink" from the bottom of the toilet. I must say I love mom for giving me these "Chancapiedra" pills so I would get rid of you without harming my dude down there.

I hope you're doing well wherever you are and from the bottom of my heart (and I hope you're not already there) I send tons of hugs.

Daddy Julian.

PS: My blepharitis on my left eye sends you its best regards!!